Slowly Letting Go
by Shikibu Murasaki
Summary: The journey to the west has ended. After going back to their old lives, years later everything has changed. Goku, now a bit older, ponders about death and dying. He knows exactly what he'll lose. [Sanzo and Goku centered]


**Slowly Letting Go**

**Theme:** Theme Number 52. Deep In Thought

**Pairing:** No pairing. But it is Sanzo and Goku centered. Goku centered, third person POV. **It's not slash, damn it! XD  
**

**Notes: **My first Goku centered fic. Just my own musings and reflections of the difference between the life-span of a youkai and a human. I kind of figured that youkai can go on aging past a hundred unless someone killed them. They are different from humans after all. The setting is after the journey to Tenjiku and back. That's why I stated that Sanzo and Goku were older. After the whole series, even though it hasn't really ended yet... ;;

**Disclaimers: **These boys are not mine. We all know that.

* * *

He wouldn't die unless someone killed him. That is if anyone could actually manage to. Years went on with this thought not passing through his mind. He didn't think that he needed to worry about such things as of the moment. There will always be tomorrow and things would always be as he remembered them. He'd become used to the kind of life he had, he knew that he was actually happy where he was. Simple things, it was always the simple things that made him smile. The others called him naïve, but he didn't really mind. He knew that it was always better to be called stupid (though he didn't always like it) rather than to miss out on the things that he should be happy about.

He would often be told that he needed a better grip at reality. Since there were so many things he seemed to miss. He was a child that way. Perhaps that's why he was so endearing to a lot of people. He was naturally curious; he asked a lot of questions. Some were answered and some answers would come to him on their own in time. He'd only frown, shrug them off and soon get distracted by something else. It was easy back then, but it got harder as time passed on.

It's been a long time, a long road for all of them, including him. He felt a little different now, ever since he started to age like everyone else around him. He was taller than he was a few years back, his built stronger, leaner than he had remembered when he was younger. His expression had become more intense when he was not smiling, his features were deeper. He would look at himself in the mirror and still find it hard to believe. This was his reality now and everything that came before it was merely a memory of years ago. He'd gotten attached to that kind of life that sometimes it felt real. The people he knew then – were still the people he knew now. Things don't stay the same, after all. It was impossible to stop all time from passing. He never thought about that either.

He looked across him, over at the table in the main office of the temple where he was now. He still stayed with Sanzo. He would have nowhere else to go and Sanzo didn't drive him away. Everyday, he would find himself watching things happen, watching people as they went on with their business. He still liked staying outside, but he knows he's not as energetic as he used to be. Did a part of him die out? It felt like it. But he was still recognizable – nothing much changed. Or so he liked to think. His golden eyes, which became more intense, a deeper shade than they were. He looked over to Sanzo, who was working and looking over a few documents. That lazy, annoyed expression as his brows met – he probably was tired of reading the same reports over and over again. He flipped over another page and leaned on his chair. Things remained quiet, and he just keep staring.

Though Sanzo was older, he still pretty much had the same air – if not stronger than it used to be. His hair was longer; His eyes were deeper set, giving him more of an edge. His glances were darker and distinguished. There was something about him that seemed rough, rather jaded. He couldn't make out what exactly it was – but he knew the cause. Too much has happened to the high-ranking monk and now everything is setting in. His movements were heavy, a bit slow. He took his time though he didn't want to waste any. He started to write on the piece of paper lain down on the table with the other documents. He sighed and leaned back, massaging his temple. The blond monk slowly reached for the pack of cigarettes by the side of his table, he had his lighter in his pocket. As he put the cigarette between his lips, he coughed roughly. Once, twice. Clearing his throat again as if to recover, lighting the end of the stick.

Then, he looked up to the young man across him. He scowled, raising one eyebrow shortly.

''Goku?'' he called.

''Ah?'' Goku looked up, blinked once and shook his head. ''What?''

''What's wrong?'' Sanzo asked again, his voice was hoarse. He coughed again once, shaking his head as he sighed and started to relax. Goku was a bit relieved.

''Nothing. I was just – Nothing.'' Goku shook his head; his tone was quiet. This made Sanzo look up and study him more carefully, there was something bothering him. He knew Goku best and he knew when there was something plaguing him. But it wasn't his style to pry out answers out of anyone. He scowled, scoffed and puffed out a smoke. He knew that he'd talk sooner or later. He always did in the end.

Goku looked up at Sanzo once more after a moment of glancing away. He noticed that the monk was now drifting off to his own thoughts and it looked like he didn't want to be disturbed. The heretic started to remember just a few years ago, at the same office. He sat in the same place he did now – but he was a lot younger then. Goku looked to the window. It was bright out and there was a gray cloud in sight. He noticed a small yellow butterfly settling itself down by the pane. He smiled to himself, but he did not walk over to it. He watched it stay still for a few moments before it flew off. A familiar feeling washed over him, as he knew the same thing happened over and over again. He knew however that it couldn't have been the same butterfly. No – people, animals, everything that lived on this earth had an end. That's why it was possible to die.

His eyes widened a bit as he remembered asking Sanzo once, as the monk was busy working away through documents yet again. That day, he didn't want to be disturbed. But he made no move in sending Goku off somewhere. He always stayed in Sanzo's office when there was nothing to do. He tried his best to stay quiet and to let Sanzo do what he needed to do. He didn't want to be hit over the head with the hard object after all. But so many things caught his fancy, his attention – he just had to keep asking or else these things would be bothering him all day.

One day, he walked over to the window – to see a small, pretty colored, yellow butterfly on the windowpane. It was lying down; it's wings fluttering weakly as it made one last desperate attempt to fly. He remembered being really sad about it as he walked over to Sanzo to show it to him. Sanzo, being himself, was unaffected by what the young boy showed him.

''What's happening to it?'' he asked him.

Sanzo let out a sigh, but he humored him by answering. ''It's dying.''

Goku blinked and looked at it again. ''Isn't there anyway we can save it?''

''No. It's too weak. It won't make it through another minute, no matter what you do.''

The wings stopped fluttering; he stared at it and saw that it made no movements of any kind. His eyes widened as he let out called out loudly.

''Ah! It's dead!''

Sanzo winced at the tone of his voice as he sighed impatiently and looked at him. ''I just told you. It wouldn't make it.''

There was a long pause before Goku looked over to the dead butterfly in his hand. He sighed, his brows meeting as he a new question started to nag at him. He couldn't keep the question to himself for long.

''Sanzo…?'' he asked.

''What?''

''Do all people die?''

Sanzo looked up from the documents he had been reading, to see the young boy looking at him with a very intent expression. It didn't seem like he was going to leave him alone until he got a straight answer. Sanzo sighed and scowled, removing his reading glasses and placed them down on the table. He leaned back and then raised an eyebrow once.

''Why do you ask?''

''I've seen this happen before – I never really thought about it until now.'' He paused. ''Now I'm wondering – does this really have to happen?''

There was a long pause of silence.

''Yes, Goku.'' Sanzo finally answered as he reached for the packet of cigarettes. ''It happens to everyone.''

''Will it happen to me, too?''

The question shot right at him, unexpected for Goku to suddenly wonder about these things. Sanzo looked over to Goku who stood, unmoving – the dead butterfly still at the palm of his hand. He stared for a few moments and then answered.

''You're a different case – you age differently from the way humans do.'' He said in his usual tone. ''Perhaps, demons live longer than humans. It's been said that they don't die at all – unless they're killed. That's why there are demons who manage to live over a hundred.''

Goku nodded and then paused thoughtfully. Sanzo braced himself from the coming question – he scowled, his gaze remained concentrated at the young boy, who then looked up at him again and asked.

''Will – it happen to you, too?'' his tone was almost shaky, though it tried not to be. He was stopping himself from being afraid, he supposed. Sanzo was calm as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, very slowly he nodded.

''Of course it will.''

The memory came to a halt as Goku was thrown back to his present reality. He heard painful and violent coughing coming from across him. He looked up; his golden eyes remained glued to Sanzo who had his eyes shut tightly as he covered his mouth with one hand. The cigarette was half gone and on the wooden table, leaving a black, small burnt mark by the left side, just near where the pack was. Goku looked at him as he coughed, the tone was hacked – it got even worse.

It didn't take long for Goku to realize that blood was dripping from the hand Sanzo used to cover his mouth with. Between the cracks of the fingers of the hand. Everything seemed to slow down as he watched the blood dripping down on the wooden table. It was if time itself had stopped. He wished for it to – he did not want this to go on any longer. But there was no stopping anything, not change, not time.

Sanzo was getting so much older.

''_Stop!_'' Goku got up and frowned, his brows meeting as he breathed heavily a bit, his heart pounding from inside his chest. He started to walk towards Sanzo who suddenly lifted up the other hand as if telling him to stop.

''Sanzo! –''

''I'm fine.'' Sanzo insisted, his voice groggy. He took a white handkerchief from his pocket, wiping his mouth, cleaning his hands.

''I told you to stop smoking already!''

''Shut up. I'm fine.''

Goku stared as Sanzo kept the handkerchief away. Before it could disappear from sight, the image of it remained. Stained with red, crumpled. He clenched his fists as his legs shivered as much as he tried to keep standing still. Sanzo would not look up; he set aside what just happened easily. It was easy for him, he was always like this. Years would pass on even more from this day – and Sanzo could only be fine for so long.

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**OWARI **


End file.
